Parenting: Money and Race Ain't Every Factor

Last week, I facilitated training for juvenile court probation officers. I heard too many stories about parents that were abdicating their parenting responsibilities in general. The group was from across the state of Tennessee. Represented in the room were staff from urban cities with tremendous resources (i.e. Memphis,Chattanooga, and Nashville) as well as rural towns with sparse resources (i.e. Johnson City and Bristol, near the North Carolina border) and even smaller communities between these areas. The diverse group of probation officers (P.O.’s) had clientele that included dual parent households, families with enough resources and several families with tremendous resources as well as connections, single working parent households, families that lived on social security benefits and some parents that lived on Aid to Families with Dependent Children. Guess what? All of the youth and their parents were not African American and living on so-called “welfare”. It was a really good mixture of race and economics when the P.O.’s told their stories.
I was reminded that it has become increasingly easy to dismiss a lack of parenting on race and money issues; when really the issue is about a lack of parenting commitment- motivation, desire, and emotional resources, whatever. Parenting is a full time job with few immediate benefits and a long term investment that you must wait to see how it pays off. Sure you can cheat, just like anything else in life, you may get ahead but somewhere along the way you end up cheating yourself and your child. Example, one parent said that her ex-husband gave their 15 year old son alcohol during his weekend visitation. Mother stated that her parents gave her alcohol as a minor and it didn’t hurt anything. Oh, let me add that the ex-husband has a suspended license for two D.U.I.’s. When I asked the P.O. if mother mentioned this to the court, she stated that this mother didn’t want to interfere with the “father-son” bond. Of course, the P.O. informed the court. Another parent justified her daughter punching another student in the face in response to “name-calling” because “ she has to defend herself”. I promise I am not making this stuff up. Could this be why some of our youth are struggling with poor decision-making? What happened to parents reinforcing basic societal norms of right and wrong even when you have some questions about what fair looks like? I know the concept of “norms” is relative to who you are and where you are from. I believe that we have more in common than what we define as differences when it comes to race and economics. I’ve met a lot of parents through my work and not a single one of them would disagree with wanting their child to be a productive citizen that can sustain their own household and family.
An example of natural consequences or proactive parenting shared at this training was how a single mother consequenced her 17 year old son for truancy. He would drive to school every day but he spent the majority of his time in the school parking lot playing his music very loudly. It wasn’t practical to take his car because mother worked in another county 45 miles away which required that she leave before he left for school and their closest neighbor did not have a car. So, mother had a friend remove his stereo and his speakers while her son was in school. Of course, when the son came out of school, he immediately reported a theft. Mother had already informed local police of what she was doing. She told her son that he could earn back his stereo equipment with attendance and passing grades. Oh, he bought the stereo equipment with money he earned. I love creative parenting! Long story short, we have to recommit to parenting and using every bit of our resources so that all of our youth have an opportunity to transition into adulthood so that they can complain about the crappy ways their parents consequenced them.

An Open Letter to Tyler Perry

Dear Mr. Perry:

Thank you for your willingness to provide images of African Americans in our diversity and humor. Laughter is good, we forget that at times. Your contribution to film over the past 7-9 years has expanded America’s reality of who we are and provided so much needed relief during chaotic times. Your creative financing has provided many artists with an avenue for producing their craft in non-traditional avenues. The business of filmmaking by/for/about African Americans has your blueprint as a model for mass marketing. Thank you for charting that territory. In the era of social networking and the immediacy of pop culture, this is historic.
May I be as bold as to attempt to explain why there is great angst from many of my sistahs upon learning that you have required the film rights to Ntozake Shange’s choreopoem “For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf”? My mother, a griot and arts educator, is really, well, challenged would be an understatement but really struggling with the very idea of “our choreopoem” being co-opted by ANYONE, let alone a pop culture icon such as yourself. No disrespect meant. It’s probably a generational and feminist thing too. See, when Zake gave us “For Colored Girls…” in 1975, she unleashed 7 spirits on stage that reflected the multiplicity of our identity. What happened on stage every night was intense and it was … colon cleansing. I know that image ain’t sexy but the revolution ain’t sexy and the challenges of our vey colored, very female collective lives is a tonic sometimes made for soothing and other times made for stripping and flushing away all that ills us.
“For Colored Girls…” is very much a female thing, it is how we speak unedited truths about who we are and how we got to be and most times that reality does not fit into a Hollywood tale. And as talented as you are, please know that when adapting our words, you too are an outsider listening in on sacred moments. Besides, when we speak truth to ourselves, we don’t need a translator. I think part of the fear is directly connected to one more thing that African American women may have to explain what was meant when “such and such” was said. We saw the made for television version in 1982. We were glad that many lesser known African American actresses and actors were employed and we were equally tepid about America’s perception of us bare. I mean the silence that follows several lines during the choreopoem on stage is impregnable and we’re kind of wondering how you in your maleness can give birth to that kind of silence in film?
I want you to understand that there are several generations of “colored girls” that learned how to verbally channel their energy through countless renditions of FOR REAL GROWN A** COLORED WOMEN executing monologues from “For Colored Girls…”. At 13, it was my Vagina Monologues. Celebrating all of me and mine that would inform, highlight and oftentimes mirror my journey to womanhood. Not to mention, I mastered the rhythm and cadence of delivering a salty word or two.
Remember, we are the rainbow and sometimes Hollywood only sees the pot of gold at the end of it.

Your slighlty older sistah,
Deniece

On Raising Boy: Things

He is 13 and does not have a cell phone or a television or computer in his room. Oh, the only game system he had was a Nintendo 64 which he and his friends played regularly when they were allowed in the house. He got a Play Station 2 this summer when the DVD player in the family room died. I think he has five games for it. He’s allowed to play it only on weekends. He does not have a private home line nor does he have a refrigerator in his room. He doesn’t have siblings either. He doesn’t have a BB gun (we live in the south, the for real south) and he doesn’t have a pocket knife. Wait, I think his grandfather gave him a Swiss Army thing-a-majig, does that count? He doesn’t have a tattoo or body piercing or earrings. He doesn’t have a lot of that stuff that society swears young people require.

I know, I know. I’ve already heard how we are denying him his childhood experiences to connect with his peers. As several very concerned people have pointed out, we can afford to buy those items for him. The funny thing is that “boy” remains well connected to his public and current on pop culture issues without any of those things.

He does have a bicycle, a ripstick, and an MP3 player. Oh, and Malynn insisted he have a mini pocket bike two years ago but it stays at his grandparents house in another state. There’s a motorcycle club two streets over from our house-enough said. He had a pogo stick, a skateboard, and rollerblades. He had a puppy and fish too- the first ran away and the latter flushed. He has a lawn mower to earn money but something about falling off a neighbor’s retaining wall and going to the emergency room has deterred him from using it. He has a room full of books and a library card as well, which he uses without prompting. He does have computer privileges at home. Yep, access is limited. Come on, he’s 13 and a raging hormone. What is he going to search??? Let him ogle the female teenage body during school hours like good old fashioned teen development.

And I think that’s my point. Just because we live in a society full of immediate gratification doesn’t mean that our parenting is dictated by those principles. It is more important to us that “boy” develop healthy socialization and critical thinking skills than how many things we can buy for him. No he didn’t get a Wii in December 2008 but in January 2009 he got to miss a couple days of school because our family went to D.C. for the inauguration of that Obama guy. Did he get the value of it? What do you think? He complained about how cold it was and how much walking he had to do and how people he didn’t know were invading his personal space on the Metro. The coolest thing to him was hanging out with his cousin that shares the same first name and seeing how very similar they are. We forced him to document the trip and create a PowerPoint slideshow for school. How lame. This summer his grandparents sent him to Space Camp. At that graduation ceremony, we witnessed his mastery of “anatomy and social networking” although his program track was robotics. He can’t wait to return next summer.

In years to come we believe that the value of his life experiences will far out weigh all of the things we did not buy for him. And if not, hopefully we will have resolved the health care issue and he can afford to see a therapist about it. Actually, if that’s the greatest childhood trauma he experiences, I’ll pay for the therapy.

Sell the Shadow for the Substance: On Developing a Youth Organizing Model

In the words of Sojourner Truth, “well chirren, where this is so much racket, there must be somethin out of kilter. Tween the negroes of the south and the white women of the north both talking bout they rights, the white man gonna be in a pretty bad fix and real soon”.

I’ve got competing voices in my head. One voice is saying ”youth led, youth voice” and the other voice is saying “youth-adult partnership” and I am in total agreement with both of them. Except something is missing. There has to be more than the sum-zero of these choices. And it is this space that I see us struggling to bring to the conversation. I keep returning to the language of Youth-Adult partnerships: conscious relationships, intergenerational equity, coaching, integral feedback. And as much as I believe there will be added value to our work when the adults and youth of our Youth Action teams commit to ongoing conversations around Youth-Adult partnership, I believe that it will continue to be a shadow conversation. Something is out kilter.

I get that we are organizing and supporting youth as change agents in their lives and in their communities. I know that we see the value of youth input and therefore use youth development strategies to help them think critically about issues that impact their lives. I agree that youth are our future and that an investment in them is ultimately about sustainability of social justice work and it is the right thing to do. I know we understand our civil rights history of young people as the frontline faces and voices of change. Still, something remains out of kilter.

What I hear from some youth is “our work is youth led and you keep making decisions about our work without consulting us” as it relates to grant applications and staffing. I understand the feelings of loss when youth have developed relationships with staff and they leave unexpectedly. I understand the importance of determining the direction of their work. This is where it gets murky. There are personnel issues, legal personnel issues, that prohibit us from discussing details of an employee termination. There are funding needs (the revolution is a beautiful machine and it needs MONEY to help it run) that require continuous fund development strategies, some are not always a direct path to the end cause. Why don’t we just say these things to young people?

No one wants to say it. No one wants to be the “grown folks in the room” because it ain’t sexy or cool. Except that the grown folks in the room have failed to acknowledge that this social justice organizing gig is also a business and as a business we exist within a system that requires some absolutes. Some of those absolutes don’t engage youth voice or participation. I know that eyes are rolling to the ceiling and whispers of “she really doesn’t get youth empowerment” are growing. Listen, grown folks, we start this awkward conversation by acknowledging what we bring to the table. It is our responsibility to clarify what roles we play in this model of community organizing. Not only have we failed to share this information, I believe we are afraid to share it. As though sharing what we contribute disempowers young people. Like one cancels out the other.

This liberation thing is our work too. We are in the room for a reason. When we fail to explain how business (nonprofits) functions, we negate the importance of workforce preparation. When we fail to identify the strength and talents adults bring to the work, we discount the mutual investment of both groups. When we choose not to share the challenges we face (i.e. getting meetings scheduled during out of school times, questioning when youth are not included in decision-making, pushing back when youth are relegated to the sole position of “spokeperson”), we are limiting young people’s access to information. One day they are going to be the “grown folks in the room”. And sometimes the information isn’t always what we want to hear nor does it come in the package that is comfortable. That’s are part of reality, why are afraid to speak truth unless it makes youth feel good? Oh that’s another blog. We need to help young people understand what adults do in this field of social justice organizing just as we celebrate the strength and talents of all young people. Just as we help them find their voice, we have to make it acceptable practice to recognize the adults in the room and claim the work as ours too. So often in our reflection, we only talk about what the youth have done to impact change. We do this because we want to celebrate them, we want to foster positive self esteem and because we believe inadvertently that “youth voice” means the adults are silent. I challenge us to share the functional/business aspect of our work with young people and to trust that they will help us sift through the substance and lead us where we need to go from there.

Enough said. I’m headed back to my porch.

Are you serious? My only choice is race and class, what about community?

I must confess I am a transplant from DC. I’ve lived in Nashville for 10 years and I still long for the community feeling of Eastern Market or Mount Pleasant some 20 years ago. I’ve been back and both of those communities have changed but in my mind there isn’t a Starbucks and for $20 I can buy fresh flowers, Ethiopian coffee beans, and a piece of jewelry, maybe even some Batik. Anyway, I didn’t buy a 105 year old house on “this side of the river” in a malnourished community (yes, malnourished applies to communities too) to be relegated to conversations solely about race and class. I bought this “money pit” to save money for the boy’s college tuition; to soothe my disappointment at my social justice income’s inability to purchase a shell of a brownstone in DC, let alone renovate it ; I bought over here because the front porch had a swing. Never mind it was raggedy and unsafe- it fed my sense of community building in the south. I had images of neighbors gathering with sweet tea (well, okay, with wine) and talking about projects like a community garden. Never mind someone stole the swing the first two weeks we were in the house. I bought this never ending renovation project because my sister’s voice “location, location, location” prompted me to research the urban development plan of this city and to decide how I wanted to be included in creating that vision. I bought this house because I refuse to commute 30-45 minutes to anywhere if I don’t live in a major metropolitan city- remind me to tell you about public transportation in this city! I bought in McFerrin Park because it wasn’t full of DINKS (dual income, no kids) and the streets were very wide. And now, several community leaders (official and non official) are attempting to hijack my love affair with this old a** house and all of its possibilities for race and class wars- are you serious? Listen, we replaced the swing immediately and dared whomever to steal it again and told the boy that we would replace it as many times as they stole it. I’ve got every tool I need to replace your limited and unenlightened conversations about who lives in this neighborhood and why. I build community everyday I walk out of my door and speak to my neighbors. I build community by creating opportunities for self-determination for a malnourished ‘hood. I build community by showing my African American male child that when and where we enter conversations will only be determined by our voice or our silence. And Audre Lorde said that “your silence will not save you”. I’m expanding the conversation from race and class to include community and I’m inviting some other voices to the table. You thought you were was sick and tired of me complaining about drywall and leveling floors, you ain’t seen sick and tired yet. My father’s initial career was in the Air Force and my mother’s was a Black Panther- watch how I blend the duality of my childhood and switch the conversation to include community.
Blackberry wine at 6pm. You know the porch.